January 12, 2007

The Office: Traveling Salesmen

Michael decided to send his employees out into the field for sales calls. He paired himself up with Andy. He let the veterans choose who they wanted their partners to be. Phyllis chose Karen, Stanley chose Ryan and that left Jim and Dwight paired together. This wasn’t the first time Dwight and Jim had done sales calls together. [NBC, Season 3, Episode 3012, 1/11/07]

Best lines:

Ryan: I'm very flattered. I was his second choice, after "pass."

Pam: Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time.

Michael: Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three.

Jan: And where it asks you to state your business, he wrote, "Beeswax Not Yours, Inc.."

Michael: The men's room was disgusting. (upon leaving a reststop women's room)

Ryan: Dwight will be missed. Not by me ... so much, but he will be missed.

Google: A Utopian Workplace?

Google's got it good. And so do Googlers, the company's employees. Recently placed atop Fortune's 100 Best Companies to Work For 2007 list, Google offers its employees unparalleled amenities, benefits, freedom, and respect. What other company provides free washers and dryers -- and detergent -- for its employees to do laundry at work? Or a car wash? Or a barber shop? Or gourmet food? Or pool and ping pong tables? Headquartered on a campus in Mountain View, California, rife with employee perks and perky employees, Google's utopian domain celebrates creativity and enthusiasm. But more importantly, it celebrates and holds sacred its most precious commodity. No, not Gmail or Google Earth -- its employees.

It's no secret how successful Google is. And lately, it's been no secret how distinct its office culture is. Magazine articles portray the glossy, laid back, fun lifestyle of the Google worker. The kindergarten atmosphere. The toys. The perks. The super-casual attire. The only drawback -- to the average 9-to-5er, if there is such a person -- is the extended hours of the Googler. There is, after all, a reason why all these amenities are available on campus. It's because the Googler does not have enough time away from work to possibly take care of all these errands and chores. So is the average Google engineer working 60, 70, 80 hours a week? More? We don't know, but it doesn't seem to matter. The drive to create that next big thing and to be a part of something great keeps these folks at work, all hours of the day -- with breaks to play video games and do laundry, of course.

But we're left to wonder, can Google do anything wrong by its employees?

We eagerly await a tell-all expose or loosely based novel penned by a scorned Googler, a la The Devil Wears Prada. We doubt it'll ever happen, but if it does, the story is sure to spread quickly via Gmail, Blogger and YouTube. [Fortune]

January 11, 2007

Will Work For Food

Television writing continues to suck for the most part. More and more movies are remakes of classics or classic TV Land shows. Can anyone write anymore? Perhaps it's time to team up clever, recently laid off twentysomethings and thirtysomethings with some big-shot producers. Some of these unemployed souls sure are writing gems. Seems necessity is the mother of invention, and with these folks in need of some cash, their creativity really shines. If the "unemployed cardboard sign holder turned Hollywood screenwriter" reality show doesn't fly, perhaps actual scriptwriters' salaries could be held in a high-yield account until after the movie is complete, and the interest earned could go to support some local shelters. Too nice of a gesture? Send us links to more "will work for food" signs. We'll post our favorites.

Seeking Fame and Fortune at Any Cost

From USA Today: "'When you open a celebrity magazine, it's all about the money and being rich and famous,' says 22-year-old Cameron Johnson of Blacksburg, Va. 'The TV shows we watch -- anything from The Apprentice where the intro to the show is the 'money song' -- to Us Weekly magazine where you see all the celebrities and their $6 million homes. We see reality TV shows with Jessica and Nick living the life. We see Britney and Paris. The people we relate to outside our friends are those people.'"

Oh, Big Brother.

According to a Pew Research Center poll, 81 percent of 18- to 25-year-olds say getting rich is one of their generation's most important goals and 51 percent said the same about being famous.

Beyond the untouchable celebrities in the fields of entertainment and sports are the everyday folks who are becoming celebs thanks to reality TV and the Web. MySpace, YouTube, Facebook -- these sites allow average Joes and Janes to become overnight sensations, whether by showing skin, stupidity and lack of sanity. As do reality shows like The Real World and Jackass. In a world void of mass media, many of these folks would be relegated to the role of village idiot, peddling their take on humor or sex at the next subway stop, hoping to wrangle a few nickels out of people.

But in a world consumed by information and multimedia, in a world where skin, stupidity and lack of sanity are heralded, in a world where William Hung could top the Billboard charts, the village idiot reigns supreme. For the village idiot has no shame and seeks fame at any cost. Why? Because if fame is attained, the cost paid is much less than the amount made. Look at the bucks and popularity some 15-minutes-of-famers have spun out of stardom on reality TV, on MySpace, on blogs.

Now, if only we could. [USA Today]

January 10, 2007

Read This Book: Apathy and Other Small Victories

I was stealing salt shakers again. Ten, sometimes twelve a night, shoving them in my pockets, hiding them up my sleeves, smuggling them out of bars and diners and anywhere else I could find them. In the morning, wherever I woke up, I was always covered in salt. I was cured meat. I had become beef jerky. Even as a small, small child, I knew it would one day come to this.

So opens Paul Neilan's debut novel about "one man's desperate fight to assign absolutely no meaning to modern life." Witty, hilarious, irreverent, brilliant. "If Camus and Bukowski had written A Confederacy of Dunces and combined it with the screenplay for Office Space," says Never Mind the Pollacks author Neal Pollack, "it would have been this book." [Apathy and Other Small Victories] [Paul Neilan's Blog]

Have You Seen Me? Jeremy Miller

Growing Pains' Ben Seaver is now 30, married, and ... doing commercials for McDonald's? The little rascal who idolized his troublemaker big brother Mike (Kirk Cameron) disappeared into child star oblivion only to re-emerge recently in a wannabe hip spot for the fast food giant. Miller's ability to stay on the good side of the law kept him out of the limelight and off the celebrity radar. With this commercial out, we're left wondering, Jeremy, have you had your break today? We don't think so. [Jeremy Miller on Wikipedia]

January 9, 2007

Q&A: Larissa Jaye (Part 1)

Singer/songwriter's six-year journey from kindergarten teacher to folk-pop artist

By T.J. DeGroat
HATCH Senior Writer


It took a long time for New York City singer/songwriter Larissa Jaye to finish her first CD. A very long time. But the New Jersey native's fans will agree that the wait was worth it.

Jaye's CD, New Leaves Over, is packed with infectious folk-pop tunes that cover the full range of emotions, from melancholy to unbridled child-like joy. The thoughtful chorus of "Underwater" could become an anthem for twentysomethings. Joining the stellar track of Jaye's CD are fun pop tunes ("Kid Who Wants Candy"), soaring love songs ("A Thousand Miles") and folk rock that rivals the genre's biggest names ("The Man").

A pianist and guitarist, Jaye's music is incredibly catchy, but arguably her greatest strength is her songwriting. The intelligent but playful songs talk about both deeply personal issues and broad societal concerns, all with a witty wordplay that takes several listens to identify.

Just after finishing mastering the CD and before putting the final touches on the project, Jaye took some time to chat with HATCH about her creative process, her influences and her plans for her independent label.

Can you take me through the production process a bit? How long did it take to bring this CD to life?

That's an interesting question. If you ask people on my mailing list, they'll tell you too long -- I feel like I've made a reputation for myself as "the girl who cried album" since I've literally been giving updates on its progress for the past three years now. It's been a long process, much longer than I originally anticipated, and it's gone through many incarnations. During the first year -- when I still thought there would only be one year -- I worked with producer Joe Valeri on some pre-production, and we read somewhere that it took Vanessa Carlton five years to get her first record done. At that point, we thought that was just about the funniest thing we ever heard.

Anyway, at the end of that first year I began working with my current producer,
Jonathan Perkins, and we started moving forward on the actual recording. We spent the summer of 2004 in more pre-production, rehearsals with the band, and then in the studio with engineer Peter Doris; we were able to get the basic tracks down for 10 of the 14 songs. We started overdubs in the fall, and joined up with producer/engineer Scott Jacoby in a second studio around that time. Between the overdubs and the four other tracks, we finally finished up all of the instrumental recording around May of 2005, if I remember right, and we spent that next summer on all of the lead vocals, which was super-intense for me, since I had more or less been sitting back for awhile.

Lead vocals were also crazy because it gave me the chance to spend the most intimate and concentrated time ever with each of these songs. In attempting to emote their original sentiments, I sort of had no choice but to put myself back to where I was when I writing them. And we'd be with a different one every couple of days, so I think it's fair to say that I was something of an emotional wild card during that time -- but once I had sung the whole album, it definitely felt like I had gotten through something, both for the actual album and therapeutically. You get a good sense of closure on things when you're forced to seal them into some sort of permanent form, and Jon and Scott kept the space so safe for me; it was an amazing experience.

And after leads?

As soon as we finished leads, we went directly on to background vocals, which turned out to be a whole other monster. I had actually been eagerly awaiting this part since we started -- I sang with an a cappella group in college and I thought I knew what I was doing when it came to harmonizing, especially with myself -- but I have to say, backgrounds were pretty challenging. So many voice lessons out the window (laughs). It was really interesting to be directed in a vocal capacity though, and besides driving Jon crazy I definitely learned a lot.

I think we got those done in November, after about five straight months of studio singing. Then Scott cleaned up all the tracks for a couple of months and we started in on mixing in February of 2006, which we labored over until this past June, at which point we sequenced the album for another couple of months and took it to mastering. We recently got back the first version of the master and we still have to conference on it, but at this point everything is just about good to go with the exception of the artwork, which will probably take me another month or so.

I'm exhausted just listening to you!

Admittedly, most people don't take this long to get something out there, but the perfectionist in me, along with the fact that this is my first full-length work, has been stretching things out a bit despite my best efforts; in a sense, I've been making this album since I started writing songs though, so everything feels that much more precious.

Honestly this whole project means so much to me that it's been tough for me to know when to let go at various stages -- OK, at all stages, actually -- but Jon and Scott have been great about easing me away slowly (laughs). But really, I've learned so much over the course of making this record; no doubt next time will be different -- and hopefully faster and easier in many ways.

You started your own label, Rella Records, to release this. How difficult is it to release a CD independently?

So far it's pretty tough. I've done tons of research and I read everything I can get my hands on, but I still can't say that I'm 100 percent prepared for this -- or that I even know the half of what it's going to entail. I just did a small-scale single release to kinda get my feet wet, and even that tiny fraction of what I'm planning for the album release turned out to be pretty overwhelming. But I've been lucky in that I've had a lot of hands-on experience working for another independent label, MPress Records, and also that I've gotten myself involved in a couple of really supportive indie communities that have been tremendously helpful.

Any plans to take on other artists once your music is out there?

I would love to, along the same lines of "give what you get" or "you get what you give" or any of that; the karma of circular things is so interesting to me, and so true. Plus I am big into having a hand in all aspects of a project, which fully includes the creative control and the organizational business side of things as well, so a roster sounds like fun -- I like running the show, so to speak, as long as I still get to be in it. Right now my focus has to be primarily on my own career, but again, I am hoping to get to a point where I can build Rella beyond just me.
Most people do not have the chutzpah to devote so much time and money to a project like this, even if it is their passion. What made you go for it? And what were you doing before?

Thanks. And yeah, making a record independently is definitely not for seekers of instant gratification -- or for people who enjoy their bank account -- that's a big lesson I learned here. There are a number of things that made me go for it though -- the most important one is that it was on my life to-do list -- making an album was always something I wanted and needed to do, and I knew I'd do it at some point -- it was just a question of timing.

The first time I seriously started to consider recording was in the summer of 2000. I had just resigned my position as a public school kindergarten teacher in order to re-align with my lifelong goal of a performing arts career. As a transitional thing, I was involved in a short-term trio project with two of my good friends from college, and we played a couple of shows at a local coffeehouse -- that was the first time I had the opportunity to really collaborate on any of my own songs, which was totally great. Afterwards, we got a lot of positive feedback, and a significant number of people were asking for a recording of one song in particular, "Go-Go Dancer," which was inspired by my teaching experience, and apparently resonated with a lot of people in the audience, including a bunch of my former colleagues.

But it's actually Joe who gets the credit for pursuing this with me incessantly in the months following -- he eventually even offered to help me get it done. I kept giving him excuses, and he kept revising the offer to accommodate the excuses. He was trying to beat me at my own game, but nonetheless it was really flattering to have someone else -- a non-relative even -- believe in my stuff that much.

Thankfully, he finally broke me down, but not before I was on to something else. I seem to have this habit of making my favored art forms "take turns" -- I was still writing and playing, but theatre had come around to the forefront, and although Joe and I spoke on and off about recording for the next couple of years, it wasn't until an emotional upheaval in my acting environment that I turned back to music full-force. In a sense, I was running away from acting, but in another sense I was running toward music. Seeing the bigger picture now, it was one of those situations that makes me think of my grandmother's phrase, "When one door closes, another one opens;" it was not a good time for me personally or professionally, but it ultimately led me to cultivate my music again and really begin the album process, so I'm thankful for that.

The Big 29: Tubers Still On Top

This week's most intriguing people under 30:

1. Steve Chen and Chad Hurley (28, 29), YouTube founders
2. Maria Sharapova (19), tennis player
3. Shaun White (20), snowboarder/skateboarder
4. America Ferrera (22), actress
5. Beyonce Knowles (25), musician/actress
6. Scarlett Johansson (22), actress
7. Mark Zuckerberg (22), Facebook founder
8. Danica Patrick (24), Indy Racing driver
9. LaDainian Tomlinson (27), NFL running back
10. LeBron James (22), NBA forward
11. Ian Johnson (20), Boise State running back
12. Kevin Rose (27), Digg founder
13. Reggie Bush (21), NFL running back
14. Ludacris (29), musician/actor
15. Shakira (29), musician
16. Ivanka Trump (25), business executive
17. Justin Timberlake (25), musician/actor
18. Shawn Fanning (26), SNOCAP founder
19. Jennifer Hudson (25), actress/singer
20. Evangeline Lilly (27), actress
21. Michelle Wie (17), golfer
22. B.J. Novak (27), writer/producer/actor
23. Ehren Watada (28), U.S. Army First Lieutenant
24. Emily Blunt (23), actress
25. Kirsten Dunst (24), actress
26. Troy Smith (22), Heisman Trophy winner
27. Maggie Gyllenhaal (29), actress
28. Jake Gyllenhaal (26), actor
29. Kenan Thompson (28), comedian/actor

Newbies: proposing player, heir to the real estate throne, Office humorist, Army brat
Out: party girl journalist, poker playa, not-so-wild actor, America's princess
Dropping quickly: Heisman winner

January 8, 2007

Best Companies To Work For

Fortune released its list of "100 Best Companies to Work For 2007." Google tops the list, followed by Genentech, Wegmans Food Markets, Container Store and Whole Foods Market. Surprisingly, Dunder-Mifflin did not make the cut. [Fortune]

It's a Smurf World, After All

Everyone's favorite little blue creatures enter the real world

Seems there was a smurf for every smurfin' emotion one could smurf of. Whether they were created smurfy or smurfy, smurfy or smurfy, those little blue rascals from the '80s serve as a perfect allegory for contemporary twentysomethings. Here's how they turned out:

Brainy. He graduated magna cum laude from some smurfy Ivy League school and won't let you forget it. Mr. Smurf-It-All was smart enough to not follow his dreams, but rather pursue a joint degree in computer science and finance so he could take the thousands he's raking in as an IT whiz and invest it wisely. And, just to protect his smurfy little assets, he got his juris doctorate. What a smurfin' smurf.

Grouchy. This miserable son of a smurf got a crap entry-level job in publishing right out of college and, three years later, he's got the same job. And his incessant pouting ensures that everyone knows his plight.

Lazy. Unemployed and smurfin' it, he's perfectly content living off unemployment checks, smurfing around the house in his pajamas and eating bowls of Smurfs cereal.

Vanity. This metrosexual smurf spends most of his time looking in the mirror and spends most of his money on tanning salons, clothes, electrolosis and Propecia. And he has Smurf Eye for the Smurf Guy to thank for it.

Cook. Sir Carbs-a-Lot was the last to catch onto the Atkins craze. And, unfortunately, his failed bagel business -- and some chubby smurfhandles -- are all he has to show for it. Thinner and sans gall bladder, he hopes to smurf his smurf around with a butcher shop.

Greedy. Made millions selling a dot-com smurf-up a few years back, but instead of diversifying his portfolio, he smurfed all his money into what surely seemed to be a safe company -- Enron.

Hefty. All those weights really helped this smurf get smurfed, and he smurfed his way into Major Smurf Baseball, where he continued to get smurfy. He even hit the smurf to increase his smurf. But when his smurf cap couldn't fit his smurfin' head any more and they couldn't tell his tail from his smurf, he got thrown out of baseball. Thin and unable to hit homers, he frequents Greedy's butcher shop.

Clumsy. He's collected big-time from worker's smurfensation. Three times.

Smurfette. This smurfy dame sure had her share of smurfs. And after she adopted the Paris Smurf look, the smurfs just kept flocking. But alas, she is raising a mushroom-hut full of smurfs all by her lonesome, and she's got a case of smurfes she just can't kick.

Handy. The crafty carpenter became a landlord, building smurf-budget housing and renting it out for high-budget rents. A sad slumsmurf who'll get what's smurfing to him.

Poet. Smurfed his own life while listening to Marilyn Smurfson.

Farmer. His land was smurfed up by the man so the state could run a highway through his farm, and now he's smurf out of luck collecting smurferment checks.

Jokey. Though he used to get all the laughs, Jokey's obsession with exploding gift boxes got him arrested and sent to Smurftanamo.

And as for Gargamel, well, his middle initial is now W.

Fired: Apprentice LA's First Victim

The Donald rang in the new year and the new season of The Apprentice with a new setting (Los Angeles), a new sidekick (daughter Ivanka) and the same old sharp eye for would-be employees. Trump wasted no time in firing the first candidate on the season opener. Attorney and professor Martin, dubbed "The Philosopher" of the group, will have plenty of time to ponder why he got the boot. [The Apprentice]

January 5, 2007

Time's A-Wastin'

Want to know why American jobs are being outsourced to India and South America? "According to a survey by America Online and Salary.com, the average worker admits to frittering away 2.09 hours per 8-hour workday, not including lunch and scheduled break-time." The biggest distraction? The Interweb. "44.7% of the more than 10,000 people polled cited web surfing as their #1 distraction at work. Socializing with co-workers came in second at 23.4%." Rounding out the top ten are some classic activities: conducting personal business, spacing out, running errands, personal phone calls, applying for other jobs, planning personal events, arriving late, leaving early. The only thing surprisingly omitted from the list -- pulling pranks on co-workers. Is anyone in corporate America -- including top executives -- not guilty of such practices that made the list? We think not. [Salary.com]

January 4, 2007

Working Class Hero?

Hospital humor prevails when Zach Braff adorns the small screen in Scrubs. But will his skills shine on the big screen in a white-collar comedic performance? The early indication is that the upcoming film Fast Track will aim to rival the cubicle culture comedy of The Office and Office Space. The setup from Variety: "A bun in the oven forces man-child chef Zach Braff to leave New York and get a real job at his father-in-law's Ohio ad agency in Fast Track, a half-baked comedy torn between sincere emotion and over-the-top outrageousness. As if adjusting to a white-collar job weren't challenging enough, the young man must endure a mentor who turns out to be his wife's high school flame (Jason Bateman), a paraplegic with a passive-aggressive streak. In-joke office humor and baby-raising gags seem custom-tailored to the yuppie date-movie crowd, though ads suggest a zanier experience than director Jesse Peretz can deliver." Premature prediction of failure aside, we'll take our chances on this as our employee movie of the month. [Variety]

Celebrity Resume: Dustin Diamond

Zack and Slater have got nothing on Samuel "Screech" Powers. Dustin Diamond revealed more than just his powers with the ladies and a video camera recently. Thanks to a scorching new resume, Screech can kiss his days of reality TV, amateur adult film, and begging to save his house goodbye. Yup, he's destined for a lifetime achievement Moonman from MTV.

January 3, 2007

Have You Seen My Disinfecting Wipes?

Stress sickens workers. Sniffling co-workers sicken colleagues. Old food left in the fridge may sicken a risk-taking fellow employee. But a desk? What harm can it cause other than not being ergonomically sufficient? Apparently, quite a bit. According to CNN, "a study by the University of Arizona in 2002 found the typical worker's desk has hundreds of times more bacteria per square inch than an office toilet seat. If that's not disturbing enough, desks, phones and other private surfaces are also prime habitats for the viruses that cause colds and flu." Adding to the germs are quick lunch breaks taken at the workstation and custodians avoiding cleaning desks on account of wanting to avoid misplacing important files. Better go out and get some disinfecting wipes, or you might have much more than a case of the Mondays. [CNN]

Have You Seen Me? Jodie Sweetin

Full House's Stephanie Tanner is a 24-year-old recovered meth addict who's hosting Fuse TV's Pants-Off Dance-Off. Such great luck didn't strike her hockey player-marrying (Candace Cameron Bure) and billion-dollar empire-running (Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen) fictional siblings. How rude! [Jodie Sweetin on Pants-Off]

Almost Famous

Don't fret about that dead-end job just yet. After all, Jon Stewart was a busboy, Alec Baldwin was a bouncer and Kanye West worked at the Gap. Hardly fame-worthy jobs, and now their celebrity has propelled them to the top of the list of people who speak out against George W. How did we know about these outspoken liberals' former roles? Thanks to hardlyFamous.com, we're learning a lot about how our favorite (and not-so-favorite) celebrities, athletes, politicians and other public figures got their start. A daily scouring of the site is sure to provide a laugh -- and some hope -- for those aspiring to be doing more with their careers. Sure makes us feel good. The editor of HATCH used to be the Good Humor man -- something Howard Stern knows a thing or two about. [hardlyFamous.com]

January 2, 2007

The Big 29: YouTube Guys Crack Top Spot

This week's most intriguing people under 30:

1. Steve Chen and Chad Hurley (28, 29), YouTube founders
2. Maria Sharapova (19), tennis player
3. Shaun White (20), snowboarder/skateboarder
4. Scarlett Johansson (22), actress
5. Mark Zuckerberg (22), Facebook founder
6. America Ferrera (22), actress
7. Beyonce Knowles (25), musician/actress
8. Emily Blunt (23), actress
9. Reggie Bush (21), NFL running back
10. LaDainian Tomlinson (27), NFL running back
11. LeBron James (22), NBA forward
12. Danica Patrick (24), Indy Racing driver
13. Kevin Rose (27), Digg founder
14. Troy Smith (22), Heisman Trophy winner
15. Ludacris (29), musician/actor
16. Maggie Gyllenhaal (29), actress
17. Evangeline Lilly (27), actress
18. Justin Timberlake (25), musician/actor
19. Shawn Fanning (26), SNOCAP founder
20. Jennifer Hudson (25), actress/singer
21. Shakira (29), musician
22. Michelle Wie (17), golfer
23. Jenn Sterger (23), journalist
24. Michael Mizrachi (25), poker player
25. Kal Penn (29), actor
26. Tara Conner (20), Miss America
27. Jake Gyllenhaal (26), actor
28. Kirsten Dunst (24), actress
29. Kenan Thompson (28), comedian/actor

January 1, 2007

Corporate Survivor

Impending layoffs make for great reality TV

What happens when people stop being polite and start getting real? Just take a job in corporate America and you'll find out real quickly.

That's because in the real real world, the working life isn't as glamorous as sharing an uber-posh pad with seven strangers/co-workers bickering over who gets to go in the hot tub. The real working world is sharing a made-for-two cubicle with a Milton-esque mole-man. The working world is bickering over who gets the better office parking spot in Lot ZZ. The working world is someone's twisted idea of reality TV.

Think of the office as a TV stage set. Or the island on Survivor. There are X amount of cubicles and workstations and X amount of employees. A good fit. But when the board of directors decides to play musical chairs with the various departments at your company, someone's gonna be left seatless when the music's over. The part-timers in accounting? Forget it, they'll find a way to make the numbers work. The fraternity known as the sales department? They'll make a pitch corporate can't refuse. The how-did-he-get-that-cushy-job executive with the $500K salary? Keep dreaming. The first seat to go will be yours -- whatever remaining department that may be in. Once the tribe has spoken, it's time to take that lonely walk to the unemployment line.

But perhaps you survive the initial slashes. It's on to week two of this show. And now is when it starts getting personal. After the first cuts, departments and colleagues start banding together, forming coalitions, establishing allies. But someone is the mole. Either laying low and listening intently to every rip made on upper management or urging the scorned to fight back. Be forewarned -- talking smack about the boss may come back to bite you in your soon-to-be unemployed ass. The tattletale almost always wins immunity.

Soon, the first round of practical cuts and second round of rabble-rouser evicting prove not to be enough. It's time to cut the fat. This is when you'll be thrilled to have that entry-level salary you've held preciously for the last five years. Some too-big-for-his-britches, big-headed, mid-level manager is about to walk the plank from his love cruise. Hopefully for you, it's your jackass boss.

Week four, and you're still around. Off in the background. You know your role. But perhaps it's time to step into the spotlight. To show you're no average Joe. Hold on there, champ. The next person who decides to shine in the void left by the middle management bozo is doomed. The spotlight is only going to bring to light the fact that there is actually a bigger ass at the company than the one that just got the boot. And to that person, the big wigs will be glad to say, "You're fired."

Onto week five, and the skeletal staff is tiring from longer hours, increased workload and playing hide-and-seek with the layoff legion of doom. It's time to energize. Time to load up on java, caffeine pills, speed. And time to practice up on buttering up to the remaining supervisors. Nothing quite like sounding chipper in a sea of Debby Downers. Just don't be too perky. Brown-nose too much and you'll begin to stink like ... On the flip side, don't get caught with your head resting on your silicon-filled mousepad in the midst of your team's crucial task. Sleep, lunch hours, bathroom breaks -- they're all time away from your work. Cave in to life's necessities and you'll quickly find out that the one with the weakest bladder is the weakest link. Goodbye.

Hiding in the bathroom half the day pretending you ate some bad sushi may have worked in the early rounds of this reality show, but now that you're a finalist, the cameras are going to follow you around every corner. Every email you write, scrutinized. Every phone call you make, taped. Every non-work-related web site you visit, flagged. Every quirky tie you wear, noted by the business casual fashion police. Do one thing to stray from the conformity of corporate culture -- from phrases you say to clothes you wear on wacky-tie day -- and you'll soon find out that for no good reason, you just don't fit in.

Sweeps week is upon the office, and you're officially cleaning up on this show. You've worked it out, and your boss even noted that "we've got a hot one tonight." Don't let the corporate culture shock fool you. That we're-smaller-but-closer mentality is just an illusion cast by some Gargamelian brainwasher of a CEO who's still earning his $1.6 million before annual bonus. Maybe you've even had some dialog with the chief executive recently. But the power trip could become a final destination to Laid-Offville if you get too chummy. A few hearty guffaws with the big cheese are swell; joking about her ex-husband is off limits. When it's time to go to that meeting of the few and brave survivors, once again, you'll see there aren't enough seats. You though, you in? Oh, you out.

For the season finale, all that's left at the company are senior executives, janitors and a tech guy -- oh, and you and your ferocious competitor battling it out for the position of junior assistant associate director of absolutely nothing. A giant task laid out in front of each of you -- restructuring the company budget so your salary can still be a line item -- and no one's left to hide behind or place blame on. Imagine that -- accountability in a corporate setting? Unfortunately, the accounting on your final task cashes you out a few bucks below your wily opponent. Though you may have the personality, he has the business savvy to earn the company some money by converting downsized employees' workstations into charge-by-the minute computer terminals for job seekers. So when they haul your ass into the boardroom and let you know you're fired, please don't ask, "Is that your final answer?"

Three-Ring Office

Flickering, purple-blue fluorescent lights hum above cookie-cutter gray, padded partitions separating barely motivated worker clones. Sound like your mega-office? Too bad you aren't working at Google, where the circus atmosphere is reminiscent of Bart Simpson's vision of the Mad Magazine offices. From the New York Times: "On a Thursday afternoon before the holidays, the game room at Google’s new offices in Chelsea (New York) was being put to good use. Two engineers were taking a break from coding at the pool table. A programmer in a purple Phish T-shirt was practicing juggling. 'Sweet Child O’ Mine' by Guns N’ Roses blasted from the flat-screen television, where two 22-year-olds played Guitar Hero, a video game that lets players strum scaled-down guitars -- karaoke without the singing." Game room?! Pool table?! Guns N' Roses?! A Jedi may crave not these things, but what office worker wouldn't? Staying late at work never sounded like such a wonderful idea. [New York Times]