March Madness Spreads to the Office

College basketball's Selection Sunday spills over into Madness Monday at the office today. With the brackets set for the NCAA men's basketball tournament that officially begins Tuesday, the office bookie will spend the better part of this morning perfecting the prize payouts and printing out pages for all his co-workers to fill in. Is this legal? Moral? Ethical? And how can we get in?

For anyone remotely interested in sports -- or remotely interested in gambling or remotely interested in not doing work on a Monday morning -- March Madness provides a unifying excuse to procrastinate on the day after daylight savings time was enacted. It's time to strut your basketball knowledge. Or, to pick your favorite school based on location, name, color or mascot -- and probably give yourself a better shot at winning the pool than the Dick Vitale wannabes in the office. Whether the office pool costs workers $1 or $100, it is a great uniting force in an office filled with politics and competition -- if only for a few weeks. For that brief period, the custodian, the intern and the CEO can all compete on the same level. Aside from the chance at camaraderie, though, it's safe to say that between pre-tournament speculations, morning-after game analysis, surfing the internet for research, and even watching Thursday and Friday's games live on the Web, the NCAA Tournament will surely cut into many companies' productivity this week. We'd place a small wager on that. [Baltimore Sun] [ABC News]

We've Got Big Balls

The newest trend in office seating is… giant balls? That's right, at companies from Google to BMW, professionals are abandoning their $2,000 leather thrones for posture-enhancing, bright-colored exercise balls. The irony is, it's often the Zen-seeking higher ups who choose the big balls (perhaps attempting to make up for shortcomings elsewhere), looking more and more childlike while sitting on a Romper Room-esque bright blue ball instead of a commandeering CEO chair. Yet while they sit atop their plastic playroom pedestals, they still treat employees like children -- children in safer seats.

The risks of having an exercise ball as a workstation accoutrement are vast. Workers must stay on their toes all day. Some experts suggest a total lack of back support. Exercise balls are easily stolen. And at any point, a violent game of dodgeball might break out.

We prefer the old school office arrangement of workstation seating reflecting the hierarchical status of employees, wherein the top brass get the giant Darth Vader pod, those just below get am souped up Dr. Evil robotic chair, other big wigs get the stuffy English leather highbacks, mid-level managers get computer chairs with arms and wheels, those just below get random task chairs, and the drones get folding chairs. [CareerJournal]

Rolling Rock's 'Man-Thong' at Work

Rolling Rock Vice President of Marketing Ron Stablehorn sent a personal note and gift to the HATCH office the other day. We knew it was the shameless whoring of Rolling Rock's shock product the "man-thong," but we could not help but be intrigued. And we could not help but share this story (Yes, Ron, you win.)

"Thongs in the workplace is fast becoming a trend for men in the United States," writes Stablehorn. Considering the metrosexualilty sweeping corporate professionals' grooming habits, why shouldn't men wear thongs, too? After all, it can help hide that pathetic boxer-brief seam. Unfortunately, it can also reveal a bit too much information. But, continues Stablehorn, "We at Rolling Rock want to help bring working men like you a sense of the freedom we can enjoy while toiling away that the office."

The man-thong delivery was followed a couple days later by a case of Rolling Rock beer -- which we were extremely grateful for. But the combination of that much beer and a bright green man-thong in the office just screamed out for a harassment compliance officer. So we saved the beer for an off-site event, but wearing the man-thong is making blog-writing go so much smoother. [Rolling Rock]

Flowers in the Office

We're trying to figure out what's worse: being painfully embarrassed at work upon receiving dozens of flowers, Valentine's Day balloons and a singing telegram or not receiving any deliveries from a significant other. Valentine's Day is not just a day to show a loved one true affection, it's a day to show his or her co-workers up by sending the most elaborate bouquet, the most helium-filled balloon, or the most squeezable bear. Unfortunately, the blizzards and ice storms across a great deal of the country yesterday left many well-intentioned souls scrambling to find the status of their flower deliveries. And the weather also left many would-be recipients of these gifts explaining to their office mates that their loved one did indeed go out of his or her way to send a thoughtful array of roses and chocolates, only to be jilted by Cupid's frozen, broken-down delivery truck. Whether those colleagues believe the weather is truly to blame or it's the fault of the significant other's frozen heart shouldn't matter -- at least, not when that brilliant batch of blossoms arrives a day late... and maybe a little wilted.

Employing Proper Body Language

Most offices come standard with that one employee who makes everyone else look great. The bully. The loudmouth. The prankster. The slacker. The gossip queen. The one with no inner monologue. These are all professional folks clearly partaking in bad practices. But beyond these obvious soon-to-be casualties of downsizing, there are many more employees -- maybe even you -- who are doing subtle things to make themselves look bad. Or worse, to make others look bad. But if you're not bullying, screaming, pranking, slacking or gossiping, what could you be doing wrong? While you may be careful about keeping your verbal language PG-rated and in check, you might not be minding your body language. Everything from shrugs to eye movements to sitting positions at the desk or in a meeting could be saying even more than any comment or email message. Check the bodies of these articles for some clues about body language and how to improve upon in it the office or on an interview. [BusinessWeek] [CareerJournal] [Monster]

Super Bowl Monday: National Hangover Day

Let the Super Bowl hangover begin. After an afternoon and evening when Americans consume more pizza, wings, nachos, guacamole, chips and beer than almost any other day of the year, it's no surprise that some will be a little too sick to head into work. After an evening of screaming at the TV, booing the Bears' Rex Grossman and laughing at one or two good Super Bowl commercials, it's no surprise that some will be a little too sick to head into work. And for those Indianapolis Colts fans who continue to celebrate the team's first Super Bowl victory as the Indianapolis Colts, it's no surprise that some will be a little too sick to head into work. With Super Bowl Sunday rivaling New Year's Eve as one of the country's biggest celebrations, it seems only fair that the day after the Super Bowl be made into a national holiday. After all, we get New Year's Day off to rehydrate, watch football bowl games and count down the return to work. So why not get the same treatment on National Hangover Day? Companies should consider the lack of productivity on Super Bowl Monday. Less employees show up for work. Many of those who do will loiter by the water cooler talking about fumbles, field goals and Mapasaurus. Or how they were this close to winning that $1,000 Super Bowl box pool, if only Indy had made that extra point in the first quarter. And the occasional employee may just show his distaste for the outcome of the game, for Prince's shadow phallic halftime show, for the terrible ad spots and for coming into work after a night of boozing by spending his morning curled up next to a toilet in the office restroom. By making the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday, none of this unsightly office behavior would occur. At least, not until Tuesday.

Slacking on the Job

Many workers are finding it harder to find things to occupy their time at the office ... you know, besides actual work. That's because employers are continuing to install technology to prevent slackers and procrastinators from doing what they were never paid to be doing in the first place. Previous reasons for denying employees access to certain web sites, tracking their typing, even using security cameras in the main office areas were obvious -- to cut down on slacking off, to cut down on abuse of the Internet and email, to monitor harassing behavior. But in addition to all those brilliant reasons for blocking workers from visiting the likes of gambling sites, fantasy football sites and MySpace, companies are also cracking down on broader usage. "When employees access media like online video," according to CareerJournal, "it saps technology resources, which can slow down tasks like transferring files over the corporate network or accessing email or the Internet." Naturally, "company overseers worry about Internet safety and security." So what's an employee who only really performs about 15 minutes of honest work a week to do without YouTube at work? Extended lunches, frequent bathroom visits, sudoku ... they'll think of something. After all, if they're smart enough to get hired at such a great company, they're probably clever enough to find a way, sans technology, to get fired by that company. [CareerJournal]

So, What's the Big Idea?

Are you that guy who's always got the next great idea for your company? Or the gal who told co-workers -- but not the boss -- about a killer idea months ago only to see a competitor beat your employer to the punch?

If so, it's safe to say you're probably not a kiss-ass, and you're also probably not the type who had to have the most gold stars in grade school. But, you are the type of employee every company should be salivating over. You're a thinker, a brainstormer, an innovator, an idea person.

So why won't anyone listen to you? Because you're not speaking up. Or maybe you are, but you're not doing it properly. There's a fine line between "influencing up," kissing up, complaining, and making the boss look bad. So, how to walk that line?

Present the idea in a professional manner, and back it up with some analysis and stats. But how do you get the opportunity to even present your big idea? BusinessWeek's Marshall Goldsmith may just have the answers. [BusinessWeek]

Toys in the Office

While we enjoyed CareerBuilder's list of favorite desk doodads like the Anger Management Doll and the Mini Executives, we prefer the following must-have cubicle accessories:

- Staples "Easy" button (hey, it might work)
- red Swingline stapler
- assorted Pez dispensers (with or without candy)
- giant rubberband ball
- Barrel of Monkeys (what's more fun?)
- Rubik's Cube (much more challenging than actual job)
- Dwight Schrute bobblehead
- Yoda action figure (the Force is with us)
- Silly Putty (in case the copier breaks)

What's in your cubicle?

Career Advice from Ugly Betty

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." --Eleanor Roosevelt

Betty Suarez's words to live by adorn her online resume. If they can land Betty a dream job at a premiere fashion magazine in NYC, then you better heed them. But the former first lady's words aren't the only ones to live by. Betty offers some of her own nuggets of career advice, too, such as making friends with co-workers, dressing for success and dealing with a difficult boss.

Another workplace pitfall is falling into a social rut by lunching with the people you work with all day long. Instead, look at lunch as a great time to interact with people from other departments in your company.

A little fluffy, but so is the content of Mode, the magazine she works for. [BettySuarez.com]

Google: A Utopian Workplace?

Google's got it good. And so do Googlers, the company's employees. Recently placed atop Fortune's 100 Best Companies to Work For 2007 list, Google offers its employees unparalleled amenities, benefits, freedom, and respect. What other company provides free washers and dryers -- and detergent -- for its employees to do laundry at work? Or a car wash? Or a barber shop? Or gourmet food? Or pool and ping pong tables? Headquartered on a campus in Mountain View, California, rife with employee perks and perky employees, Google's utopian domain celebrates creativity and enthusiasm. But more importantly, it celebrates and holds sacred its most precious commodity. No, not Gmail or Google Earth -- its employees.

It's no secret how successful Google is. And lately, it's been no secret how distinct its office culture is. Magazine articles portray the glossy, laid back, fun lifestyle of the Google worker. The kindergarten atmosphere. The toys. The perks. The super-casual attire. The only drawback -- to the average 9-to-5er, if there is such a person -- is the extended hours of the Googler. There is, after all, a reason why all these amenities are available on campus. It's because the Googler does not have enough time away from work to possibly take care of all these errands and chores. So is the average Google engineer working 60, 70, 80 hours a week? More? We don't know, but it doesn't seem to matter. The drive to create that next big thing and to be a part of something great keeps these folks at work, all hours of the day -- with breaks to play video games and do laundry, of course.

But we're left to wonder, can Google do anything wrong by its employees?

We eagerly await a tell-all expose or loosely based novel penned by a scorned Googler, a la The Devil Wears Prada. We doubt it'll ever happen, but if it does, the story is sure to spread quickly via Gmail, Blogger and YouTube. [Fortune]

Read This Book: Apathy and Other Small Victories

I was stealing salt shakers again. Ten, sometimes twelve a night, shoving them in my pockets, hiding them up my sleeves, smuggling them out of bars and diners and anywhere else I could find them. In the morning, wherever I woke up, I was always covered in salt. I was cured meat. I had become beef jerky. Even as a small, small child, I knew it would one day come to this.

So opens Paul Neilan's debut novel about "one man's desperate fight to assign absolutely no meaning to modern life." Witty, hilarious, irreverent, brilliant. "If Camus and Bukowski had written A Confederacy of Dunces and combined it with the screenplay for Office Space," says Never Mind the Pollacks author Neal Pollack, "it would have been this book." [Apathy and Other Small Victories] [Paul Neilan's Blog]

Time's A-Wastin'

Want to know why American jobs are being outsourced to India and South America? "According to a survey by America Online and Salary.com, the average worker admits to frittering away 2.09 hours per 8-hour workday, not including lunch and scheduled break-time." The biggest distraction? The Interweb. "44.7% of the more than 10,000 people polled cited web surfing as their #1 distraction at work. Socializing with co-workers came in second at 23.4%." Rounding out the top ten are some classic activities: conducting personal business, spacing out, running errands, personal phone calls, applying for other jobs, planning personal events, arriving late, leaving early. The only thing surprisingly omitted from the list -- pulling pranks on co-workers. Is anyone in corporate America -- including top executives -- not guilty of such practices that made the list? We think not. [Salary.com]

Working Class Hero?

Hospital humor prevails when Zach Braff adorns the small screen in Scrubs. But will his skills shine on the big screen in a white-collar comedic performance? The early indication is that the upcoming film Fast Track will aim to rival the cubicle culture comedy of The Office and Office Space. The setup from Variety: "A bun in the oven forces man-child chef Zach Braff to leave New York and get a real job at his father-in-law's Ohio ad agency in Fast Track, a half-baked comedy torn between sincere emotion and over-the-top outrageousness. As if adjusting to a white-collar job weren't challenging enough, the young man must endure a mentor who turns out to be his wife's high school flame (Jason Bateman), a paraplegic with a passive-aggressive streak. In-joke office humor and baby-raising gags seem custom-tailored to the yuppie date-movie crowd, though ads suggest a zanier experience than director Jesse Peretz can deliver." Premature prediction of failure aside, we'll take our chances on this as our employee movie of the month. [Variety]

Have You Seen My Disinfecting Wipes?

Stress sickens workers. Sniffling co-workers sicken colleagues. Old food left in the fridge may sicken a risk-taking fellow employee. But a desk? What harm can it cause other than not being ergonomically sufficient? Apparently, quite a bit. According to CNN, "a study by the University of Arizona in 2002 found the typical worker's desk has hundreds of times more bacteria per square inch than an office toilet seat. If that's not disturbing enough, desks, phones and other private surfaces are also prime habitats for the viruses that cause colds and flu." Adding to the germs are quick lunch breaks taken at the workstation and custodians avoiding cleaning desks on account of wanting to avoid misplacing important files. Better go out and get some disinfecting wipes, or you might have much more than a case of the Mondays. [CNN]

Corporate Survivor

Impending layoffs make for great reality TV

What happens when people stop being polite and start getting real? Just take a job in corporate America and you'll find out real quickly.

That's because in the real real world, the working life isn't as glamorous as sharing an uber-posh pad with seven strangers/co-workers bickering over who gets to go in the hot tub. The real working world is sharing a made-for-two cubicle with a Milton-esque mole-man. The working world is bickering over who gets the better office parking spot in Lot ZZ. The working world is someone's twisted idea of reality TV.

Think of the office as a TV stage set. Or the island on Survivor. There are X amount of cubicles and workstations and X amount of employees. A good fit. But when the board of directors decides to play musical chairs with the various departments at your company, someone's gonna be left seatless when the music's over. The part-timers in accounting? Forget it, they'll find a way to make the numbers work. The fraternity known as the sales department? They'll make a pitch corporate can't refuse. The how-did-he-get-that-cushy-job executive with the $500K salary? Keep dreaming. The first seat to go will be yours -- whatever remaining department that may be in. Once the tribe has spoken, it's time to take that lonely walk to the unemployment line.

But perhaps you survive the initial slashes. It's on to week two of this show. And now is when it starts getting personal. After the first cuts, departments and colleagues start banding together, forming coalitions, establishing allies. But someone is the mole. Either laying low and listening intently to every rip made on upper management or urging the scorned to fight back. Be forewarned -- talking smack about the boss may come back to bite you in your soon-to-be unemployed ass. The tattletale almost always wins immunity.

Soon, the first round of practical cuts and second round of rabble-rouser evicting prove not to be enough. It's time to cut the fat. This is when you'll be thrilled to have that entry-level salary you've held preciously for the last five years. Some too-big-for-his-britches, big-headed, mid-level manager is about to walk the plank from his love cruise. Hopefully for you, it's your jackass boss.

Week four, and you're still around. Off in the background. You know your role. But perhaps it's time to step into the spotlight. To show you're no average Joe. Hold on there, champ. The next person who decides to shine in the void left by the middle management bozo is doomed. The spotlight is only going to bring to light the fact that there is actually a bigger ass at the company than the one that just got the boot. And to that person, the big wigs will be glad to say, "You're fired."

Onto week five, and the skeletal staff is tiring from longer hours, increased workload and playing hide-and-seek with the layoff legion of doom. It's time to energize. Time to load up on java, caffeine pills, speed. And time to practice up on buttering up to the remaining supervisors. Nothing quite like sounding chipper in a sea of Debby Downers. Just don't be too perky. Brown-nose too much and you'll begin to stink like ... On the flip side, don't get caught with your head resting on your silicon-filled mousepad in the midst of your team's crucial task. Sleep, lunch hours, bathroom breaks -- they're all time away from your work. Cave in to life's necessities and you'll quickly find out that the one with the weakest bladder is the weakest link. Goodbye.

Hiding in the bathroom half the day pretending you ate some bad sushi may have worked in the early rounds of this reality show, but now that you're a finalist, the cameras are going to follow you around every corner. Every email you write, scrutinized. Every phone call you make, taped. Every non-work-related web site you visit, flagged. Every quirky tie you wear, noted by the business casual fashion police. Do one thing to stray from the conformity of corporate culture -- from phrases you say to clothes you wear on wacky-tie day -- and you'll soon find out that for no good reason, you just don't fit in.

Sweeps week is upon the office, and you're officially cleaning up on this show. You've worked it out, and your boss even noted that "we've got a hot one tonight." Don't let the corporate culture shock fool you. That we're-smaller-but-closer mentality is just an illusion cast by some Gargamelian brainwasher of a CEO who's still earning his $1.6 million before annual bonus. Maybe you've even had some dialog with the chief executive recently. But the power trip could become a final destination to Laid-Offville if you get too chummy. A few hearty guffaws with the big cheese are swell; joking about her ex-husband is off limits. When it's time to go to that meeting of the few and brave survivors, once again, you'll see there aren't enough seats. You though, you in? Oh, you out.

For the season finale, all that's left at the company are senior executives, janitors and a tech guy -- oh, and you and your ferocious competitor battling it out for the position of junior assistant associate director of absolutely nothing. A giant task laid out in front of each of you -- restructuring the company budget so your salary can still be a line item -- and no one's left to hide behind or place blame on. Imagine that -- accountability in a corporate setting? Unfortunately, the accounting on your final task cashes you out a few bucks below your wily opponent. Though you may have the personality, he has the business savvy to earn the company some money by converting downsized employees' workstations into charge-by-the minute computer terminals for job seekers. So when they haul your ass into the boardroom and let you know you're fired, please don't ask, "Is that your final answer?"

Three-Ring Office

Flickering, purple-blue fluorescent lights hum above cookie-cutter gray, padded partitions separating barely motivated worker clones. Sound like your mega-office? Too bad you aren't working at Google, where the circus atmosphere is reminiscent of Bart Simpson's vision of the Mad Magazine offices. From the New York Times: "On a Thursday afternoon before the holidays, the game room at Google’s new offices in Chelsea (New York) was being put to good use. Two engineers were taking a break from coding at the pool table. A programmer in a purple Phish T-shirt was practicing juggling. 'Sweet Child O’ Mine' by Guns N’ Roses blasted from the flat-screen television, where two 22-year-olds played Guitar Hero, a video game that lets players strum scaled-down guitars -- karaoke without the singing." Game room?! Pool table?! Guns N' Roses?! A Jedi may crave not these things, but what office worker wouldn't? Staying late at work never sounded like such a wonderful idea. [New York Times]